I believe that when I have managed to get my way through a particularly trying period I emerge triumphant before crashing when it’s safe to let down my guard.
During the years I was travelling home to England to take care of my parents for a flying visit lasting anywhere from from 7-10 days I’d curate my time using every last minute to re-align their lives for the next few months,
making phone calls on trains as I trundled to visit warden-assisted flats in London,
skipping meals to drive a stick shift up and down Kent country lanes, in the dusky gloom of an English winter before nightfall, searching for suitable nursing homes,
sitting in a vet’s office waiting for the adored dog to be brought up to date with her vaccinations so that Mum could come to America with me for a break,
interviewing social workers who may suit my parents so they wouldn’t be turned away at the door as ‘nosey strangers’,
mediating for estate agents when my father roundly asserted, “my house is NOT for sale…please leave,” and turned his back on a prospective buyer looking daggers at me,
and thanking Daughts for coming with me and reminding me to take a break before the sun set to go clothes or shoe shopping then visit the pub for a much needed drink and an equally welcome meal.
Added to this was the gut churning anxiety attacks which I turned over to God in an all- day litany of my favourite prayer of humble access.
These short visits passed in a flash and when I arrived home in America triumphant and rather chuffed for managing my parents, whose lives were steadily unwinding, I’d wait for the fall-out.
True to form with the pressure off I’d deflate and fall sick.
Each time was different, once I had a massive boil on my inside thigh, other times I’d get a sore throat so severe I could barely open my mouth or swallow,
or a headache that persisted for days and put me to bed,
or a rather virulent strain of the common cold combining the sore throat & headache with a runny nose and sneezing,
or a general feeling of being ‘down in the dumps’.
It is my body’s delayed-reaction that keeps me going during crisis mode.
It happens every time, my children, who are now older, say,
“How can you handle these things without completely breaking down?”
I seem to be able to put the re-action on hold while I navigate the ups and downs of life. As long as there’s a break in the clouds I can keep myself from crumbling into a thousand pieces.